Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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