You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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