i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
