My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
