youre lurking in front of me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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