Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
