I could make wine with my vomit
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
you made out with another girl for some wings
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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