dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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