its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
