My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
