He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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