I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize