I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
