mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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