After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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