i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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