guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
