I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
