My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
bring money and cleavage
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
