I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
