No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
