The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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