I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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