Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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