I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize