I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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