I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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