I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Mom said you looked used
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
