I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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