When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
