Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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