just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
