I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
