I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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