Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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