His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
