Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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