Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
