Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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