when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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