what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize