It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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