He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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