I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
