I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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