My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
