On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
