You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize