Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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