my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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