JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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