Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
