Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
