So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize