She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My vagina is officially offended.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
