can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
