apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
