2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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