The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize