i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Let's paint friendship bongs
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
