Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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