an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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